Mad At God Part 3

Mad At God Part 3

As long as I can remember, I wanted to serve God. It may have been a religious thing but my heart has always been to serve him. Looking back, I see that this was the root of my issue with God. I wanted to serve him, be a good person and follow after him. In fact, my daily (and only) prayer was "God, make me a man after your own heart."

In my preparation to be a priest, the emphasis was on knowing "about God"; developing an intellectual relationship with him. This training equipped me to serve God on one level but not enter into a full relationship with him. I found myself serving God by serving a religious institution. No wonder I was struggling with my life style. No wonder I was feeling lost and forgotten, daily hungering for a relationship I knew only in my mind!

When I could no longer live this way, I cried out to God with an expectation that he would answer immediately. When there was no answer, I felt abandoned, took offense and ran. I felt betrayed by a God I did not know. My theology did not allow me to access the heart of the Father, only the cold, unbending doctrines of a distant deity.

It would be many years later that, by the grace of God, I could begin to comprehend the purpose of this journey. Now I can see that I did receive the answer to my desperate prayer. An answer that was played out over thirty years. The Father honored my desire to be "a man after his heart." But more importantly, he was after my heart! For that to happen, there needed to be the breaking of a man.

Not knowing what God was doing, I took matters in my own hands. Angry and frustrated I turned my back on God, church and religion. I found the love of my life, Judy. We married and raised four children. We ran a ski lodge, pastored in another church denomination, and later planted a church. Yet, there was an aching in my heart. My anger at God was subdued but not abated.

Change came in my life when I met Jesus. Up to this point, Jesus was lost somewhere between my theological doctrine and my anger at God. To see Jesus as a real person and a gift from the Father completely changed my focus and my purpose. I began to see that Jesus was the one who would show me how to be "a man after God's own heart."

But that is another story.

Mad At God Part 2

Mad At God Part 2

I discovered that being mad at God is hard work. That may sound a little strange but if you have been mad at God as long as I was you realize that it is a real battery drainer. My problem was   this anger lived just below the surface like a low grade fever. Most of the time it was barely recognizable. Then all of a sudden, in a moment of frustration or hurt, the anger rushed to the surface, inflaming my emotions and exerting pressure on my thoughts and words.

Why was I so mad at God? I believed that He had not only let me down but abandoned me when I needed him the most. You see, I had spent eight years preparing to serve him as a priest and another three years serving in a local church. It was Christmas Eve 1973 after Midnight Mass that I knelt beside my bed and pleaded with God to make himself known to me. For some time I had been struggling with the lifestyle I had chosen. God seemed far away and I felt like I was going through the motions and my heart was no longer in it. I needed direction from Him and I needed it now!

I told God that I was giving him thirty days. If I did not hear from him in that time, I was going to leave the priesthood. I didn't know what to expect but I was desperate and needed answers. As you can probably guess, the thirty days went by and I heard nothing. No supernatural sign; no prophetic word; and no direction. I told God that I was done. If He could not so much as answer me, I was done with him. As painful as that experience was, I believed that the relationship was over and I wasn't going to ask a second time.

After walking through a season of great disappointment with myself and with God, I began a new life. I was done with God and church. I met Judy and we were married and moved to Bozeman, Montana to run a ski lodge. Life took on new meaning. I relaxed enough to enjoy life with Judy and the work of managing a ski lodge in a beautiful part of the country. But, I confess there was an ache in my heart that I could not ignore.

As I look back on that season of my life,  I see why God didn't answer me.  The truth is he did answer me. I was unable to hear him in the midst of my circumstances. Little did I know that he had plans for my life that I would not have believed if he did tell me. I have come to see that as Father, he will withhold speaking in order to prepare the heart to receive his answer. As my life unfolded, his answer came loud and clear. What kept me from hearing was a great disappointment that grew into anger and a hard heart.

To be continued...

Mad At God Part 1

Mad At God: Part 1

It was a sunny winter morning. The previous night two feet of snow fell in the Bridger Mountains above Bozeman, Montana. I was plowing the parking lot at the lodge. No small task for an eight foot plow on the front of a 1975 Chevy Suburban. All was going well until I got high centered in a snow drift. That's when something snapped; not on the Suburban but in me.

You see there was trouble brewing in my heart. I was unaware that I was running over my emotional red line and ready to crash. It had been several years since I left the Catholic priesthood.  On the surface I was a happily married man running a ski lodge.  Inside I had reached the boiling point of anger and resentment toward God.

I wasn't going anywhere. The truck would't budge. The plow was embedded in a deep drift. Instead of taking a deep breath and reaching for a shovel, I started swearing and pounding the steering wheel. Obviously that wasn't  going to get me unstuck. I jumped out to survey the situation. Yep, I was was stuck.

I started yelling at God.  Giving him a piece of my mind. As my volume increased so did my four letter words. Working up a full head of steam, I alternated between cursing God, banging my fists on the truck hood and kicking the tires. All of which did nothing to free the truck from the snow. Nearing exhaustion, I leaned against the truck and began to cry.

Emotionally exhausted and struggling to catch my breath, I heard this voice calling to me, "Dan, Dan". Thinking it was the Lord warning me that a lightening bolt was on the way, I looked for a place to hide. Again, "Dan, Dan". The voice didn't sound like God, it sounded like Judy. I looked toward the direction of the lodge and heard Judy say, "Dan, when you are finished with your temper tantrum, come on it. Your lunch is ready!"

To be continued....